Katie Couric she ain’t

By 7th grade, it’s highly unlikely that you don’t know everything there is to know about everybody else around you. So I don’t know why Mrs. Schweine, our language arts teacher, decided to do the interview assignment, but there it was. Mrs. Schweine paired us up, told us to ask each other questions and then write a brief introduction for our subject, which we would then read in front of the class. Talk about redundancy with a capital R.

I was paired up with Britney. Britney and I had been in Girl Scouts together since 1st grade. Admittedly, we weren’t BFF, but we were hardly strangers.

That’s why I was confused by the following dialogue:

Britney: What’s your name?

Carrie: Uh, you know it. It’s Carrie.

Britney: Hi, Carrie, I’m Britney. That’s spelled B-R-I-T-N-E-Y.

Carrie: Yeah, I know.

Britney: Aren’t you going to write it down?

Carrie: Write what down?

Britney: My name!

Carrie: Oh. Uh, yeah.

Britney: Britney. B-R-I-T-N-E-Y.

Carrie: Got it.

Britney: So, how old are you.

Carrie: I’m 13.

Britney: A teenager! Isn’t that exciting?

Carrie: What’s exciting?

Britney: Being a teenager!

Carrie: Oh. Yeah.

Britney: I’m not a teenager yet. My birthday is next month.

Carrie: Um, yeah?

Britney: Aren’t you going to write that down?

Carrie: What?

Britney: My birthday is next month.

Carrie: Oh. Yeah.

Britney: I’m going to have a big party.

Carrie: That’s cool.

Britney: My parents are going to take us out to Las Margaritas and then we’ll see a movie and then we’ll have a slumber party.

Carrie: That’s awesome.

Britney: I’m going to invite all my best friends! Keisha and Kelly and Brandi and Ashlee and Amanda and Melissa. You could say I’m friends with the coolest girls in school.

Carrie: I could.

Britney: Do you want me to spell their names for you?

Carrie: That’s OK.

Britney: What color is your hair?

Carrie: Uh, blondish. Maybe brownish. I don’t know.

Britney: I’m a brunette.

Carrie: So I see.

Britney: Aren’t you going to …

Carrie: Write it down? Yes.

Britney: What color are your eyes?

Carrie: Hazel.

Britney: What is that?

Carrie: They’re green and brown.

Britney: Mine are brown.

Carrie: Yes they are.

Britney: Daddy calls me his brown-eyed girl.

Carrie: I’ll write that down.

Britney: Does your dad call you anything?

Carrie: He calls me Noodle.

Britney: OK, that’s weird.

Carrie: Are you going to write it down?

Britney: Duh! OK, what is your favorite brand of jeans?

Carrie: Oh, I don’t know.

Britney: Sure you do! What are you wearing now?

Carrie: I have no idea. My mom bought them.

Britney: I can check your waistband if you want.

Carrie: No, please don’t.

Britney: It’s no problem! Here!

Carrie: Stop! Stop!

Britney: Faded Glory. Oh, your mom buys your jeans at Walmart.

Carrie: Shit.

Britney: Well, that’s OK. If it makes you feel better, I don’t think you’re really a size 11.

Carrie: Great.

Britney: Z. Cavaricci.

Carrie: What?

Britney: That’s my favorite brand of jeans.

Carrie: Oh.

Britney: Aren’t you going to write that down?

Carrie: Can you spell it for me?

Britney: Z-period-C-A-V-A-R-I-C-C-I.

Carrie: Thanks.

Britney: You should tell your mom to buy you some Z. Cavariccis instead of Faded Glories.

Carrie: Yeah?

Britney: Yeah! Tell her it will help you learn how to spell!

Carrie: Great idea.

Britney: What do you want to be when you grow up?

Carrie: A journalist.

Britney: I want to be a businesswoman.

Carrie: That’s actually really cool. What kind of business?

Britney: Just a businesswoman!

Carrie: I’m writing that down.

And on it went for about 30 minutes. I feel bad for Britney. I wish I had been a better source. Alas, I just wasn’t what she wanted me to be. Thus, she had to polish up my story in the same way that photo editors polish pictures for the Victoria’s Secret catalog.

Here is what I learned about myself that day:

“Carrie is a teenager with blond hair and blue eyes. Her favorite brand of jeans is Z. Cavaricci, and when she grows up she wants to write in her journal. She is kind of weird, but she is not a size 11 even if her mom says she is.”

Thanks, Britney.

About Carrie

Writer by day, writer by night. Urban farmer/dog mama/baby mama/bicycle enthusiast/oenophile the rest of the time.
This entry was posted in Humor, People, School. Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Katie Couric she ain’t

  1. suzy says:

    And to this day, teachers are still giving that assignment!

    • Carrie says:

      I have given this assignment in my Fashion Communication and Fashion Journalism classes, but I try to make it more conceptual than this one was. So far, nobody has ever written about Z. Cavaricci jeans.

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